Suicide, a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem

In the past year there were many tragic cases of teen suicide, so I decide few months ago to write about my experience with depression and suicidal thoughts. I hope this writing will be of help to someone who needs it.

Background

As you might know I grew up in Iraq to a Roman Catholic family. In the Middle East depression and suicide are almost taboo because of ignorance. Many people equate depression with mental illness (not that mental illness is something to jeer about), and so the general thought patterns goes something like this, “You can’t marry him because his brother has depression and tried to commit suicide once!” To them depression is like bad genes you really don’t want your children to have. So people often times become depressed but don’t tell anyone and don’t get any treatment because they feel ashamed. And if a family member attempted suicide the family doesn’t tell anyone because they feel ashamed, and are scared that nobody will marry from their family anymore. Because depression went untreated there were many cases of suicide especially by women.

...a permanent solution to a temporary problem by Fadi

Growing up as a Roman Catholic didn’t help either. I remember being told since I was a child that God forgives all sins except the sin of suicide. It wasn’t until many years later when I left the Roman Catholic church and embraced Christianity as taught in the Word of God, that I realized the teaching of the Roman Catholic church about suicide has no Biblical grounds.

Immigration to Canada

Immigrating to Canada at the age of 17 was depressing. I found it hard to adjust to the Canadian way of life, and Canada’s long winters didn’t help. Not having extra money meant I couldn’t do a lot in the summer time either. On top of that I was always the introvert thinking type of person and was overly sensitive. Having Trichotillomania also made me more introvert, and both my dad’s family and mom’s family have a history of depression. In the high school years I was doing ok as school kept me busy and I felt that I had a goal—to finish school.

But in 2003 when I graduated from high school I went to work in a warehouse as a general labor and forklift operator. My job was very physically exhausting, and the nature of the job (general labor) made doing it very difficult mentally—I felt like I was dead on the inside with no dreams or hopes. My job involved loading and unloading trucks manually on daily basis. My feet were always hurting from lifting heavy things all day long and from wearing the steel-toe work boots. I was physically tired about six days a week.

Emotionally and spiritually I was simply in my own world. I had started working in the warehouse after high school because I believed God has a plan for my life and I wanted to know what it was so I could obey Him. (I believed He had a plan even for my career.) I had intended to work in that warehouse as long as I haven’t heard from Him. Of course that presented a problem to my family and people close to me. They didn’t understand my motives and I got no support from them. They told me that’s not how Christianity works–that I had gotten it all wrong. I didn’t care if that’s how Christianity worked or not. My goal wasn’t to succeed—Christianity to me wasn’t about making it big—all I wanted is to know this God who so intimately loved and scarified His Son for me. I wanted to hear His voice, I wanted to know personally that He cared.

So through those years of working at the warehouse I was constantly depressed and wanted to die. I didn’t know how long I had to wait for him, and the longer I waited the more I wondered if that’s how I will spend the rest of my life: forgotten by God. And I didn’t know who to talk to or where to search. I knew nobody who waited for God for anything. The best examples were from the Bible, but everybody told me that I had misunderstood how the God of the Bible works.. I constantly heard things like, “God help those who help themselves”, and “You do your own thing and ask God to bless you and He will!” Those ideas didn’t ring a bell to me as I had read the Bible cover to cover before a couple of times, and nothing even remotely close to those ideas appear in the Bible.

Suicide

Needless to say I wished I would just die and end with the misery. I regularly cried asking God to just end my life. But I never acted on those thoughts for one main reason:

You see, my family is originally Roman Catholics but few of them now have become atheists, and the rest abandoned the Roman Catholic church and embraced denominations that teach salvation is by grace alone like the Bible teaches. The atheists always make fun of God, our Lord Jesus Christ, and the Bible. They also scoff at a Christian if something happen to him/her, and they knew I believe in our Lord Jesus Christ. So I knew if I had committed suicide then they would scoff at our Lord saying things like, “Where is his Lord, now? How come Christianity didn’t work for him!” I simply didn’t want to be a bad witness.

Another thing that kept coming to my mind were those words by my high school teacher Mrs. Weinstein. On the topic of suicide she told me, “Fadi, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” Being a logical thinker her words made sense to me.

The most painful memory I have of depression were of one night when I was talking to a very close friend (someone I loved way more than myself!) and I told her that I was very depressed and wished I was dead. She calmly told me, “Well, it’s not that difficult, all you have to do is take about 20 tables of Tylenol and you won’t wake up in the morning.” I was shocked when she told me this. I remember going to the kitchen later on that night to drink water and I passed by the Tylenol bottle thinking, “WOW! If I was someone else he might have went ahead with it and killed himself.” I remember that incident because she was someone I was willing to give up my life for hers, so those words from her hurt me deeply. Later on, as I matured, I realized that she was just being sarcastic as we talked daily and I was often depressed. I guess she was just sick and tired of listening to me complaining about the same things day after day, without me willing to change my situation so I won’t be depressed anymore!

What I want to emphasis here is that don’t joke about suicide with a depressed person…you never know what he/she will do. I was lucky to think logically about the matter. And it wasn’t until later that I realized my friend wasn’t seriously about me committing suicide, but what if I thought she was serious? Depression and suicide are not matters that we should take lightly.

Suicide is Selfish

If you are depressed the last thing you want to hear is that committing suicide is selfish, but it is true! For many years, as far as I could remember, I felt unworthy. I felt ugly, unwanted, undesirable, unloved, and so on. If someone said a single thing that hurt my feelings I remembered it forever, but if someone made a huge sacrifice for me I rarely remembered it! The best word that described how I felt about myself is ‘expendable’. I felt that way about myself because the culture I grew up in esteemed educated men and I was nothing more than a general laborer. I constantly heard things like, “Oh, this girl is so lucky because she married a pharmacist!” or, “…married a doctor”, and so on. And as a man in my early 20s I yearned to find that young woman who would love me for who I am, but all I found was a society obsessed by what a man has and not who he was.

Then when my nephew was born I realized this child really, really loves me! I mean, when my sister’s family visited he would be quiet all day long until I came from work, and then the smile on his face would be shinning because he knew he would be playing with me! All he wanted was to play with me…he loved me. And one day out of nowhere it hit me how selfish it is to take my own life—to strip my nephew and nieces from their only uncle whom they loved. Then I thought about my mom who has dedicated her life and sacrificed everything to make sure I am comfortable and happy. Yet I wanted to take her only son, me, away from her, knowing very well how much that would have devastated her. I thought about my future wife, my kids, and my Lord and realized how selfish I was.

Maybe you are depressed and thinking nobody loves you, and you see yourself as “expendable”. No you are not, and the word “expendable” should never be used to describe a human being. I guarantee you there is at least one person who loves you more than you love yourself, and there are many people who dearly care about you but you don’t know about it. Not necessarily because they haven’t shown their love to you, but maybe because of your over sensitivity or (honestly) your selfishness.

I haven’t gotten depressed in a long time now, and I haven’t thought about ending my life in years. I’ve matured a lot: I am less sensitive, more confident, less selfish, and a much more joyful person today. God matured me in His own way and His own timing. Pray that He does the same for you. As you mature your outlook on life will change as you understand life and yourself better. After all my teacher was right:

…suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.